General Sirius Lee Goes Overseas

The HENGE

2005-11-11T20:24:00.000-08:00

So. We went to stonehenge. It was hilarious. I especially loved the audio tour . You walk around the rocks with this microphone stick thing to your ear and basically leave with one piece of information:

Stonehenge is a bunch of rocks in a circle. And it's REALLY REALLY REALLY old. The end.

The rest of the audio tour was full of useless information like the following:
Stonehenge was NOT made by the Druids, yet every year crazy druid people come here for a festival that as far as we can tell is just another excuse to get drunk.
The stones are from both Ireland and the surrounding area. We have no idea how people got stones that weigh more than 4 elephants to SW england from Ireland. Especially considering they DIDN'T HAVE THE FREAKING WHEEL yet.
The first henge was built around 3000 BC. They moved stones around, added bigger stones, built more henges and repaired the site for 1500 years. Then they abandoned it. We have no idea why.
There are all these little burial mounds around the area but. . .we have no idea who built them, who's buried in them, and if they have any relation to the henge.
In the woods of Dartmoor (about 40 miles away from the big henge) one can come across small little henges built around the same time. Why did they do this? What is the significance of a bunch of stones in a circle? Why so many of them? Say it with me guys: WE HAVE NO IDEA. The best part of the audio tour was at the end. and i quote:
"As you leave the mystical shadow of Stonehenge and walk back through the tunnel to the visitor's center, please remember to hang your headset up before you leave. If you do not, the headset will set off an alarm and the beeping noise will be quite unpleasant!"
it's funnier if you imagine it in a british accent.
so. . ., let's all get together and praise the aliens. it may be completely pointless, but stonehenge is really really pretty.

william is a spoiled brat

2005-10-27T19:44:00.000-07:00

This is Shakespeare's birthplace. Apparently, his parents were loaded. I would have gotten pictures from the inside but apparently it costs a lot of money to go in and look at furniture that wasn't his but maybe kinda-sorta looks like his might have. So I just took pictures from the outside. Oh and I included some pictures of Strat way-up-on-da Avon. It's actually a really beautiful place. And there are lots of loons. Seriously people there are completely out of their minds. There's water fowl as well. Although I should warn you that swans are evil and ducks aren't birds. Just so you know.

Cheaper Than Red Bull

2005-10-27T19:16:00.001-07:00

There isn't a whole lot to say about this posting.
The first picture is of a girl named Heather. Heather is a model from Dublin with one of those natural scratchy sexy husky voices. She is dessed as a blackberry in a costume made by yours truely.

The second picture is of a sign. I think you will see that it was the second item listed that drew my attention.

It only follows that picture two is most likely made by smashing barrels of picture one. Probably smashed by the feet of cocaine addicts. Coke heads just seem like the type of people who would smash models. Right Moss?

THE GENERAL GOES DOWN

2005-10-17T08:37:00.000-07:00

Okay. So normally this blog is devoted to really important things: gross stuff, celebrity stuff, perilous drowning babies, etc. But every once in a while, especially if it's been a month since my last posting and I know ya'll are getting anxious, I will post something funny. About myself.
So here goes: I, the General, received a black eye this weekend. That's right. A black eye. How did I get such a sexy wound, you might ask. Was I attacked by a British midget? Did a bloke named. . .Blokey. . .throw a Guinness in my face? Was my eye simply gnawed on by the neighbor lady's really bad teeth? No. NO to everything. I have not yet seen a single English midget (the wouldn't let me into the door at their secret meeting), Guinness in the face causes your face to burn, not actually bruise, and neighbor lady only chews on you if you piss in her hedges.

The truth about the black eye? it's a simple story really. I went to a club and met a person who seemed willing to spend an crazy amount of money on booze for me. Somehow my lips got attached to said moneybag's smackers (I believe brit-with-the-bread accidently swallowed my shot of green apple vodka and I was trying to recover it) and the two of us actually walked into a pole. Brit's nose connected with my eye, causing it to blacken. And thus I spent the rest of the weekend wearing sunglasses. Which is pretty bad considering that we all know the sun never shines in England. You know, because they poisoned George Washington and shot Abraham Lincoln and made JFK sleep with that big-titted blond emotional mess. Moral? Piss of one of our presidents and God takes away the sun. OH. and don't kiss and walk at the same time.

More Proof that Lesbians are Filth

2005-09-14T15:11:00.000-07:00

Okay. So this lovely picture was sent to me from a Dutch lesbian. And basically, I don't know what to think. It is perhaps the most disturbing thing I have ever seen in my life. But what exactly about this picture strikes fear into my heart? Is it the fat man with the limp-penis gut hanging over his jeans? Is it the presence of a man-tank? Is it the awful fashion choice made by the miss (for we all know that milk and slutty shirts never match) ??? Is it the location of what looks to be a bathroom???

Whatever it is about this picture that scares me, one thing I know for sure. My absolute revoltion at this picture has absolutely NOTHING to do with the crazy muppet dead-alive freckled alien creature with shadowy genitalia. Herman is my friend.

NEWSFLASH: San Francisco Full of Drug Addicts

2005-09-08T18:56:00.000-07:00

I think the pictures speak a thousand words. I ask you - if a blond girl with glasses is a drug addict, shouldn't you be one too?

Pooty BANG

2005-08-30T16:43:00.000-07:00

I would like someone to tell me about Suge Knight, and why he was shot at a VMA after-party. I really don’t know much about the situation, but I do know that Suge Knight is perhaps the second biggest mammal in the world yet he was shot at by a “man in a pink shirt.” I simply do not believe that this can be true. First of all, men who wear pink shirts do not own guns. They do not know how to hold guns, shoot guns, or clean guns. They might grab guns, but those are only the guns of the man they are pushed up against in the Queer as Folk hall closet. Hal Sparks grabs guns. However. Men in pink shirts do not shoot big scary giant grandma killing self pronounced thugs at VMA after-parties. How did this even happen? Did they mean to shoot Hillary Duff? Was Missy Eliott there? Was the shooter Missy Eliot? Has anyone checked?
It seems to me that there can only be one explanation: there is a gay mafia. Check out the facts: 1.) Incredibly gay location. A VMA AFTERPARTY. Have you heard of the Video Music Awards? They are probably the gayest event in the entire world next to my birthday parties. And just to prove how un-thugish they truly are, this year they hired none other than P.DiddyDuffyPuffyPiddylickabingbong as the host.
2.) The perp is a guy in a “pink shirt”. He might have as well been carrying that gay teletubby “PillyWilly” or whatever and calling himself Enrique.
3.) I am a member of the gay mafia and I shot Suge Knight. He ran into me outside of Chipotle and I accidently called him Sooge instead of Shug (because his name is one of those names I see and never say aloud) and he picked me up and twirled me over his head and called me General Faggypants, which is my Gay Mafia code name. So he had to be destroyed because he knows too much. And because he made me drop my chalupa. Sorry Soogie.

Fear Not, Gentle Warriors

2005-08-19T17:11:00.000-07:00

Do not worry, my friends, about the malicious ramblings of Tom Collins. This General is not leaving his men. However, I do feel that I can better serve your appetites with the help of my new Lieutenant (0r as the British would pronouce it, LEFT-tenant. Fucking Brits.) Lieutenant Tom Collins will be my right hand man (left-tenant, right-hand man. . .I'M AWESOME. If you doubt that I am awesome take a look at my sunglasses and notice how they match this font. Also notice the big guy standing behind me with the giant moustache. Know who else has a friend with a moustache? Oprah. Stedman has been rocking that moustache forever. Opfug used to be sitting over crack-fires eating 30 cans of spaghetti-o's in an hour and cryin about her thighs- but then she met the moustache luhva and now she probably has more money than I have guns. and I have a LOT of guns. Moral? ONLY AWESOME PEOPLE HAVE FRIENDS WITH MOUSTACHES. )

Regardless, I will still be bringing you news of my travels in England and Europe; Lefty Tom will be posting his adventures in South America, if he ever stops polishing his gun to buy the ticket. Yes I KNOW it's a "full metal jacket" Gomer Collins, now go over there and eat that doughnut! SHEE-IT!

tom collins

2005-08-19T14:25:00.000-07:00

You may have guessed from the -- HEAVY -- contrast font: this isn't general sirius lee......

this is Lieutenant Tom Collins!!!

busted, lee, busted, broke-ass and discarded. battle? mid west vs. west coast! hailing, obviously, from the land of total cultural, political, and spiritual dominance - my postings will be of infinitely greater significance -

so: watch out for further postings, announcements, and links. these may include the following: robotic cats, celebrity boobies, german cannibals, music, etcetera.

ARGENTINA 2006!!!

KONICHIWA BITCHES!

Name the kid "Stream." I'm begging you.

2005-08-18T12:18:00.000-07:00

Newsflash:

It has recently come to my attention that the guy I dated 25 billion years ago is getting married. I'm sure many of you would agree this is a startling thing to hear. The woman whom he is marrying is several years older than he. Now I would agree that age doesn't matter if you truely love someone. However. If marrying someone will cause people to confuse you with a National Park, then I don't care how great great the sex is. You two have bought yourselves a camper's guide to divorce.

His last name is Timberlake.
Her first name is Forrest.

It may be cute for a week, Forrest, it may even be interesting for a year. But when people call you asking if they can rent kayaks then shit is going to get OLD. So please just think, a little bit, before you do this. 'Cause if you do decide to get hitched then I am coming to the wedding and bringing the guy pictured above as my date. And you can call us Mr. and Mrs. Fang Timberwolf. HOT.

WHY DOESN'T THIS SCARE YOU CHAO????

2005-08-11T16:24:00.000-07:00

He is going to do something bad with that umbrella. You don't believe me? Ask yourself this: Why would a cricket need an umbrella if he lives in "Texas" ???? HUH????

Bridges to Nowhere and Crickets of Doom

2005-08-11T12:18:00.000-07:00

You know there are some days here when the sun is shining and Alcatraz glistens in the bay when I do believe in the American dream. "If a prison can glisten, so can I!" I repeat this mantra when I'm on my balcony and feel a little sad. However, thanks to this new information I will be spending my time on the balcony with a sniper rifle picking off tourists on the streetcar.

Earlier this year, Bush threatened to veto any bill that exceeded $250 billion. That was later upped to $270 billion, but in a bid to show progress on domestic priorities, the White House last month signaled that it would support a $284 billion bill. . .
. . . One project funded by the bill: a $300 million bridge in Alaska named after Rep. Don Young, chairman of the House Transportation Committee. Designed to be one of the largest bridges in North America, the project has been described by critics as "the road to nowhere" since it will link a tiny Alaskan fishing town along the state's southern tip to an even tinier island, which boasts less than 50 inhabitants.
. . .But the White House can't control everything. During the president's remarks, an airborne cricket emerged from nowhere, appearing to fall from the sky above Bush's head. The larger-than-average insect landed inches away from Labor Secretary Elaine Chao, who showed no visible reaction to her near encounter.

Once again, Bushy has left me speechless. What is there to say? I can really only draw two conclusions from this information. The first thing I realize is that I want to marry Don Young. How cool would that be? Every single day inhabitants in their cute coats with the seal fur would drive their igloo cars across my husband's bridge. And I'm talking like AT LEAST five people a year. Secondly, I think here we have proof that the Labor Secretary is a robot. Have you ever seen a cricket? Especially a TEXAS cricket? Those shits will knock over cars. My parents got married on the prairie and in the middle of the ceremony this cricket the size of a Hummer ripped open my sister's dress and tried to mount her. This RAPIST MONSTER CRICKET falls from the sky, lands inches away, and Ms. Chao SHOWS "NO VISIBLE REACTION"????? Are you kidding me? Robot. Definitely Robot.

That aside, of all the news magazines in the world, Newsweek is not my favorite. Even though it is definitely better than it's crapola counterpart "TIME." Anyone who reads TIME deserves to have me poop on their bed; anyone who reads Newsweek just deserves to have me pee in their Nalgene. My vengeance aside, thanks to Newsweek on the information about Eskimos and Rapist Crickets.

Hippies Are Gonna Blow Up the World

2005-08-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

From the NY Times :

" . . .today's jihadists have a lot in common with the left-wing extremists of the 1930's and 1960's. Ideologically, Islamic neofundamentalism occupies the same militant space that was once occupied by Marxism. It draws the same sorts of recruits (educated second-generation immigrants, for example), uses some of the same symbols and vilifies some of the same enemies (imperialism and
capitalism)."
I don't really know what to say about this one. Go Commies.

VIGILANCE

2005-08-03T13:35:00.000-07:00

Today I entered my mailbox, only to see that I had received a very important message from the United States Government. Naturally I assumed that they had finally found out about that time that I worked at the Kremlin and therefore had decided to send me an e-mail to warn me of my forthcoming arrest. However I was happily surprised to instead receive from them these special messages of love.

"The Department of State remains concerned about the continued threat of terrorist attacks, demonstrations and other violent actions against U.S. citizens and interests overseas. Americans are reminded that demonstrations and rioting can occur with little or no warning."
"Current information suggests that al-Qa'ida and affiliated organizations continue to plan terrorist attacks against U.S. interests in multiple regions, including Europe, Asia, Africa and the Middle East. These attacks may employ a wide variety of tactics to include assassinations, kidnappings, hijackings and bombings. Extremists may elect to use conventional or non-conventional weapons, and target both official and private interests. The latter may include facilities where U.S. citizens and other foreigners congregate or visit, including residential areas, business offices, clubs, restaurants, places of worship, schools, hotels and public areas.In the wake of the July 2005 London bombings and the March 2004 train attacks in Madrid, Americans are reminded of the potential for terrorists to attack public transportation systems."
"U.S. citizens are strongly encouraged to maintain a high level of vigilance, be aware of local events, and take the appropriate steps to bolster their personal security"

So basically the US gov. tells me the following things.

1.) We have no idea if shit is going to go down, but it could go down, it may go down, and the shit will probably go down without any warning to anyone.

2.) Shit's probably going to go down on the public transportation. We don't know, because the shit could really go down anywhere, but they seem to like to blow trains and shit. So stay far away from scary shit on wheels.

3.) Watch your shit.

So my peeps, I gotta tell you that I enjoy this message from Bushy et al. If you see me overseas you can be sure that the General is packing heat. Because if one of you gives me a strange look when I'm riding that public bus from Heathrow to Exeter. . .watch out. I have a clear statement of permission from the US goverment saying that if I think some shit might be going down I can use my vigilance to protect my shit. And that mean's that one of ya'll gettin pistol-whipped with a pack-moose. Vigilance muthafuckas, VIGILANCE.

Thieves

2005-08-02T17:14:00.000-07:00

This is something I found on hedonistica.com. It is the last piece of proof I needed. When I combine it with the incident involving the broccoli beating in Chinatown, I can state my thesis firmly. All Asians are thieves.

No that's not it. All Asians wear blue. Yes. All Asians wear blue.

Killers

2005-08-02T14:58:00.000-07:00

It is important that you all are aware of my affiliation to a known killer. Hero Frijolita Dangermoose is a very dangerous and disturbing animal. She has been accused of attempted felinicide. Dangermoose forced her prey to retreat into the middle of the lake before she attacked. The poor creature almost drowned due to the furious dunking paws of Dangermoose. We all know how much kittys hate water. But they fear the Frijolita even more. You see in this picture how she wears the blood red leash of murder.
Beware.

To illustrate this point here is Sufjan Steven's song about another three-named menace.

WOOL PANTS

2005-08-02T14:43:00.000-07:00

This is my site devoted to the preparation and execution of my year abroad in England. I have begun to make a list of things that I need. Here is my list so far:

1. Bottle of Wild Turkey
2. Gummy worms
3. A pack-moose.

Others claim I will need wool pants.
We'll see.